Free, Free, Free At Last. Or Not.

Well, here it is. My second official day of freedom. Freedom from time schedules, freedom from rules and regs (US Marine, that is), and freedom from the pressure of too much to do in too little time in the shop. I should be having the time of my life. But I'm not feeling free at all, but nervous. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I am my own task-master now, with no certain tasks pressing, and no real deadlines for 'must-do' action. Uncertainty doesn't sit well in a body.

I suppose this reaction might be the fault of my upbringing, or general enculturation. I would seem likely, since I was raised in a military family. But my non-military friends say they heard the same messages:

"Do, Do, DO! Go, Go, GO! And KEEP going! Don't be lazy! What are you sitting down for? Get back to work! An idle mind is the Devil's workshop!" "If you're not busily engaged in a good cause, you might as well not be doing anything at all".

The implications - you're worthless as a human "being" if you're not "doing, doing, doing". What an oxymoron!

What is the truth? How much of this was rhetoric spoon-fed to us as children by authority figures in efforts to control us, as to force us into becoming "good" people and citizens (read - according to their model of what we should be).

I find myself suddenly, age 40+, with neither "Daddy" to tell me what to do - neither my biological father (except for the voices in my head), nor my military organization "father." I had become accustomed to living my life by the dictates of another. That served me well when I was younger, giving me structure. But, there was no instruction provided on how to make the transition to living life according to my own star. Now here I am, in the middle of the ocean of possibilities, with bare bones navigational and guidance systems on board. No wonder I'm feeling a bit nervous and at loose ends.

Like most things, this will most likely pass - but right now I'm as nervous as a big cat in a tight cage. ("Caged" by my new freedom - what an interesting metaphor.)

I prepared for this. But really preparing for this was not possible.

I had looked so forward to taking some time for myself to reassess my life, what I really want, and what I should do now I am retired from the service. I looked forward to the pleasure of "having all the time in the world." The pleasure lasted all of ONE DAY!

My stint was up, officially, on the 25th of June. On the stroke of midnight I danced around a bit and tossed mugs in the air with some of my buds, and then went home grinning at the thought of all the catching-up I was going to do the next day - free of requirements and time schedules.

And I did catch up. It took me all of 6 1/2 hours to get all my odds and ends done (I don't tend to put off much, so there weren't many), and then I took a wonderful, solitary, hike in the nearby hills for a spectacular view of a glorious sunset over the city. I felt good.

This morning was a whole different story. No excitement, no relaxation, no tasks at-the-ready to busy myself with. I had decided last week that since I still haven't decided for certain which new job/career opportunity to take advantage of, and there aren't any pressing deadlines, I'd just take some time and become better acquainted with "life as a civilian."

Well, if it's going to be like this, I don't think I like it much.

Time to punt?

I wonder what the best use of this kind of freedom might be? Hmmm. This introspective thought brings peace of a sort. I think I'll trust it, follow it, and see where it takes me.